.
Poetry by Mikala Mikrut, Copyright 2022
.
Self(less/ish)
.
You pleasure women when it’s convenient for you
When it leads to what you really want
When she’s done at your will
But I required your trust
Which you never bothered to earn
Weaponizing your incompetence so I could never hold you accountable
You asked about my past
And never bothered to connect
That telling you was one thing
But letting anyone have any control over my body
Is something that has never happened since
It may be in defense
It may be in self preservation
Either way my subconscious knows you weren’t worthy
No one has been
Not yet
They want to squeeze with no intent to please
And that’s fine
But they can’t claim that they’ll ever be as close to me as my abuser
Because he stole the only thing I didn’t know could be stolen
I’ve never trusted anyone since
And maybe it’s for the best
I haven’t been more hurt
I don’t know if I’d be able to survive it again
To lose everything
Everyone
By trying to keep peace
No good deed goes unpunished
And ever since then
I’ve only been punished
For being a child
For trusting
So I grew up fast
Responsible and dependable
It’s lonely
So lonely
I’m lonely
And now the pain has numbed to the point that I hurt the people who thought I trusted them
They’re hurt because they never knew me in the first place
Seeing me as a saint when in reality I’m a coward hiding behind my good deeds
If I give back enough in the world
I think maybe
The world will offer me back a little piece of my innocence
But I know
It’s gone
So gone
I’m gone
I find myself in little moments with him
But he’s not mine
And I know he probably never will be
So when he leaves
I simply have to be grateful for the slivers of myself he gave back
Splinters of the oak I once was
I suppose at least I have something
When others have nothing
So I’ll be grateful
And frame the splinters among the good memories
As the haunting waits for him to leave
When it’s finally time to consume the rest of me
I may be bound to a destination of darkness
But I can’t be afraid to live
Even if that is my fate
I must endure the journey regardless
And I’ll try to not let it be tainted by pride
But it’s starting to get exhausting
To be okay
All the time
I will be okay
And it is fine
But sometimes I’d like to be asked first
If I’m available for the rant
Ready for the burden
Reciprocal to the expectations about to be bestowed upon me
I like to think I meet them
Most of the time
But I’m tired none the less
And I don’t want you to worry your pretty head
Because you wouldn’t be able to handle me the as I handle you
I thrive in selflessness in a way I have yet to see anyone else do
It’s all I know
An addiction to keep myself safe
Engrained in me from protecting my protectors
I failed once
And I will not fail again
I can’t
I don’t have enough people to lose this time
So I have no choice but to keep it together
And I’m too weak to question if that’s for them
Or me
Because if it is for me
It’ll be the only thing in my entire life I do for myself
.
About The Author: Mikala Mikrut is a regular contributor to Tony Ward’s blog. To access additional articles by Mikala Mikrut, click here: https://tonywarderotica.com/mikala-mikrut-im-recyclable/