Mikala Mikrut: Self(less/ish) 

Beautiful 25 year old wearing heart dress and little hearts on her face
Mikala Mikrut. Wild at Heart 2022

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Poetry by Mikala Mikrut, Copyright 2022

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Self(less/ish) 

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You pleasure women when it’s convenient for you

When it leads to what you really want

When she’s done at your will

But I required your trust

Which you never bothered to earn

Weaponizing your incompetence so I could never hold you accountable 

You asked about my past 

And never bothered to connect

That telling you was one thing

But letting anyone have any control over my body 

Is something that has never happened since

It may be in defense

It may be in self preservation 

Either way my subconscious knows you weren’t worthy 

No one has been

Not yet

They want to squeeze with no intent to please 

And that’s fine 

But they can’t claim that they’ll ever be as close to me as my abuser

Because he stole the only thing I didn’t know could be stolen

I’ve never trusted anyone since 

And maybe it’s for the best

I haven’t been more hurt

I don’t know if I’d be able to survive it again

To lose everything 

Everyone 

By trying to keep peace

No good deed goes unpunished 

And ever since then

I’ve only been punished

For being a child 

For trusting

So I grew up fast

Responsible and dependable 

It’s lonely

So lonely

I’m lonely

And now the pain has numbed to the point that I hurt the people who thought I trusted them

They’re hurt because they never knew me in the first place

Seeing me as a saint when in reality I’m a coward hiding behind my good deeds

If I give back enough in the world

I think maybe

The world will offer me back a little piece of my innocence 

But I know

It’s gone

So gone

I’m gone

I find myself in little moments with him

But he’s not mine

And I know he probably never will be

So when he leaves

I simply have to be grateful for the slivers of myself he gave back

Splinters of the oak I once was

I suppose at least I have something

When others have nothing 

So I’ll be grateful

And frame the splinters among the good memories 

As the haunting waits for him to leave 

When it’s finally time to consume the rest of me

I may be bound to a destination of darkness 

But I can’t be afraid to live 

Even if that is my fate

I must endure the journey regardless 

And I’ll try to not let it be tainted by pride

But it’s starting to get exhausting

To be okay

All the time

I will be okay

And it is fine

But sometimes I’d like to be asked first

If I’m available for the rant

Ready for the burden

Reciprocal to the expectations about to be bestowed upon me

I like to think I meet them

Most of the time

But I’m tired none the less

And I don’t want you to worry your pretty head

Because you wouldn’t be able to handle me the as I handle you

I thrive in selflessness in a way I have yet to see anyone else do

It’s all I know

An addiction to keep myself safe

Engrained in me from protecting my protectors 

I failed once

And I will not fail again 

I can’t 

I don’t have enough people to lose this time

So I have no choice but to keep it together 

And I’m too weak to question if that’s for them

Or me

Because if it is for me

It’ll be the only thing in my entire life I do for myself

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About The Author: Mikala Mikrut is a regular contributor to Tony Ward’s blog. To access additional articles by Mikala Mikrut, click here: https://tonywarderotica.com/mikala-mikrut-im-recyclable/

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