Text by A.H. Scott, Copyright 2019
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
First step; imagine this, you’re 18 with a bangin’ body and a lightweight brain.
Second step; now, turn around and you’re 50 plus with a not so lightweight body and a bangin’ brain.
Well, let’s see if my courage can match my feet and see where this one goes, shall we?
This is E L E V A T I O N.
Elevation is the mind, spirit and body.
She is a woman of a certain age.
She is a woman beyond the years so tender.
She is ME!
Women of a certain age are not trying to be in their 20’s or even trying to pretend to compete in the eyes of men aligned solely for youth.
There it is, that term; ‘women of a certain age’. Oh, sigh.
So, let’s explore.
Okay, so is what elevation is completely based on sexuality, sensuality and scintillation?
It would be foolish to say it is and foolish to say that it isn’t.
I guess both halves of the whole are a part of what elevation is.
Being in some mythical lineup of long legs, buns of steel, and jugs of joy which haven’t been flirtatiously tapped by Father Time’s golden wand of gravity yet is not who I am.
Oh, so is that elevation?
Okay, maybe that might be it.
Or, is it a spiritual renewal or should I say reconnection with my own being.
Maybe the reconnection isn’t reconnection after all. It might be something far more exquisite; a first contact of my spirit that I have always avoided. Be it out of anxiety or fear.
Anxiety over having exuberance or an unseen joy, then thinking of the selfishness for being out ahead of my skis in hoping for that type of happiness for myself.
Fear of a conscious or unconscious thought of rejection if I said what I felt inside or acted upon my own desires for pursuing dreams beyond where I am situated.
Just give in…
Just let go….
Those are two thoughts that come to my mind.
Give in to what I want. Yet, what if I don’t know what I want.
I don’t mean being fickle or flaky, as if I can’t choose between chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry or even interest from the opposite sex towards me.
No, it’s that overarching ‘ask’ that probably the universe puts out there for me to answer of what I want from life or more importantly, from myself.
Expectations are a daunting thing to comprehend. And, as with the aspect of ‘want’ and ‘release’, I would say ‘expectation’ is that subject that can tip the balance of scales.
But, you know when I think of what is expected of me, as a woman is also mixed with that level of fear that can rise up in my backbone of obligation.
Expectation would be stark and purely rooted in base physicality; as obligation relies upon layers of depth.
Primal and callous hookup in a hotel room without strings and void of patience is what I think of as an expectation of me from another. Veneer ever so shallow of knowing this is in the end of a brief amount of conversation or dinner will end up with him trying to get me into bed.
And, if I’m being honest to that other person and more importantly to myself; that is not the type of woman I wish or hope to be.
Okay, so if the question that is asked of what I want; it comes to be something more than a ‘kitten’ and ‘rooster’ quickie that seems cold.
And, when I mean ‘cold’ I don’t mean there couldn’t be a feverish tumble in between the sheets. Oh, no, I mean vacant of emotion beyond him just getting off and using me as that warm body he’ll enjoy for a short while.
Yep, so I guess that is what I don’t want.
And, if I can say what I don’t want, it then shifts to what I do want.
Then there are men in this world that are evidence that there is something different which is offered. They afford me a path of ease without having to feel constantly in some seen or unseen perception of competition. So nice they are, I am relaxed and even have let my guard down during the give and take which is experienced with them.
On reflection I’d have admit it to myself; but I have had this feeling of obligation in showing a man’s kindness with actions and words of my own in return. That’s probably where I would make a misstep that could stem any furtherance of a relationship.
Let go. Yet, what if I release the reins I’ve held onto so tightly in the lane of self preservation all these years and what I’ve feared in my heart would come to pass?
Mocked and dismissed is what I fear, so my hands grip those reins as tight as I can hold to my core.
The fear of never really measuring up as a lover chills me to the marrow, as I’ve seen other women just swim effortlessly in emancipation’s intensity when it comes to being with a man.
You could say I’m like a door slightly ajar, open enough to be inviting to friends and strangers; but, not being exposed to the fullness that life holds.
The question that I hold in the back of my mind and stem of my soul is this: If I completely reveal myself sexually and spiritually, would there possibly be that crucial connection from another?
Conundrum is one way I could describe it, as taking that step to another level.
And yet, here I am grasping the brass knob and opening the door wider than I’d ever imagined.
This time in my life is my elevation of rising higher in spheres of relationships, from family and friends. But, more importantly, it is the exploration into other avenues of connection.
I know what I don’t want; casual hookups with a shrug of aftermath when departing a locale of liaison.
Never been into one-night stands when I was younger, and I sure as hell ain’t gonna start doing it now. That’s not me. That is not the woman I am.
The only thing about me that is casual is my wardrobe.
I know what I do want; something more than that.
I’m not a teenager, and I’m not in any way trying to be one. But, you know what; one thing which those that are younger have is that fearlessness in knowing they have their whole lives ahead of them. They don’t get bogged down in pessimistic perceptions of who they are and what stirs their exhilaration.
Okay, okay, I won’t play the ‘old lady’ card. But, wow, to be young, tight and full of flight can even make me stand on my tippy-toes to soar carelessly across the light fantastic. So, watch out, whippersnappers! (ha, ha)
You know as you go through life, as the days pass by and turn into years; you have those little interactions along the way. Chit-chatting here and there leads to one mutual dialogue of four words from my lips to whomever I’m talking with – ‘same old, same old’.
Question: Hey, how’s your life going?
Answer: Same old, same old.
Ugh, that wand of Father Time has whacked me on the ass with the SO-SO life! Whoa, that stings!
I know what I want, and it is something more than just same old, same old. But, then again, having a ‘so-so’ life is like a comfortable sweater or snuggly blanket of what one gets used to in keeping things on a thermostatic balance. Not too hot, not too cold. Just so-so.
My predictability has become that two-edged thorn that pricks me from time to time. One side is positivity of being a person that can be relied on, based on my patience, adaptability, and calm demeanor. But, that second side is a bit more tenuous in explaining the downside of being a person that is predictable. In some ways, that predictability is like having my feet planted in cement; for I can be perceived as being not a sprig of spontaneity, but a reed of regularity.
Yet, life as we live it right now is happening all around us. And, a tiny sledgehammer is coming out of my back pocket to chip away at that cement of caution, as my hips start to sway and my arms begin to embrace enchantment.
Waiting for another to capture that spark from within is a fool’s errand. And, my parents didn’t raise a fool. (Knock wood on that fact) So, I guess I’m claiming that spark for myself. For me – hooray!
Exploring what flips my switch and ignites my motor is the journey that I am on. I’m not speeding down an unseen road, but coasting along at a speed of moderation taking in all that my eyes and soul can seek and absorb along the way.
So, what have I learned as that half century point has spun like golden thread on the spinning wheel of my life?
Desire doesn’t fade and the adventure of life can be filled with possibilities and exploration in coming moments, months, or years.
Some who may be reading this are probably thinking when I use those two words ‘possibilities’ and ‘exploration’; would snap to the conclusion of what I’m referencing is a whom.
Oh no! Although, if the universe is listening; hey, you never know.
Possibilities can go from learning the basics of a new language to diving headlong into off-beat subjects that may peak my interest. Or, even just as tiny a goal of losing another ten pounds and keeping it off. (Fingers crossed and brownies scratched off my shopping list)
Exploration can be as varied as updating my fashion style with a few accent pieces here and there; to hitting bookstores for some paperbacks or heftier fare.
Trying out some new recipes or even letting my taste-buds go on an unknown escapade of flavors. Who knows? The world’s an open kitchen!
Aspects of each have a way of going from that which is non-consequential to the beneficial in the big picture of my life.
I believe there is always room for improving oneself; even when you might not see it in the moment you change something about yourself.
For me, it’s in the knowing that desire that fills my soul and keeps this heart within me beating fast when I accomplish or learn something new is that feverish sense of fulfillment.
As for that fulfillment, it doesn’t have to appear as a connection from an outside insertion inward, but an internal blossom outward from within myself.
May not be that inferno of decades past. Yet, that flame still remains. It smolders. It lingers. It sizzles. It flickers.
Flickering….oh, flickering….and, even those embers that remain are perpetually tickling.
To my own surprise, I am rising! I am exploring! I am elevating to that next level! I may not know what awaits me around the next corner, but my embrace is in a single direction – upward!
About The Author: A.H. Scott is a poet based in New York City and frequent contributor to Tony Ward Studio. To read additional articles by Ms. Scott, go here: http://tonywardstudio.com/blog/a-h-scott-do-right-woman-a-travesty-in-two-acts-2/